The Stress of Unemployment: Managing the Emotional Roller Coaster - Nancy Collamer

Nancy Collamer M.S. is a career counselor and founder of Jobsandmoms.com, a website for professional-level women who are looking for flexible jobs, work-at-home opportunities and innovative work/life resources.
She is the Author of the book, "The Layoff Survival Guide."

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in between that we fear . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to.-- Marilyn Ferguson

This book is a “how-to” guide focused on practical steps to take to better manage the transition from pink-slip to paycheck. Consequently until now, I’ve focused on the more tangible aspects of managing your unemployment. But at this juncture, I would be remiss, if I were to go any further without discussing the emotional impact of being unemployed.

Much has been written on this topic and some of it is quite good. But I can tell you from having been through this myself; you don’t need a book to tell you being unemployed is lousy. Even under the best of circumstances; when you’ve got ample savings, decent job prospects, and a healthy severance package, there’s no denying the unemployment blues. I’ve read those articles telling you to look at this time as “a gift”, an “opportunity to explore untapped horizons” and a “welcome retreat from the rat race.” While all of that may be true; when you’ve got a family to feed, a mortgage to pay and no good job prospects in sight, it can be mighty hard to look at this as a “golden” opportunity to feed your soul.

Losing your job is a life-changing event, a major transition characterized by many of the same stages that occur when there is a death in the family. If you speak to people who have been through this, they will tell you there are some predictable stages of mourning during job loss, similar to the grieving process:

Shock and denial: Even if the news of your job loss was expected, you may have experienced a feeling of shock or confusion when you heard the words coming out of your boss’s mouth. Don’t expect the shock to subside immediately - once you’ve processed the news on a conscious level, the shock waves may continue to reverberate for a while.

Anger: You may get angry with yourself, your employer and even your family. It’s not unusual for people to react with feelings of anger; voicing their frustration with comments like, “I can’t believe they could do this to me” or “How could I be so stupid to allow myself to be in this situation?”

Bargaining: Don’t be surprised if you find yourself thinking, “Maybe if I offer to take a pay cut or propose working part-time or… they’ll consider taking me back.” Over time this wishful thinking form of bargaining will be replaced by a more realistic action-based plan.

Depression: Particularly if your job search takes longer than expected, depression may set in. Depression clouds your thinking, saps your energy and undermines the job search. While some periods of feeling depressed are normal, consistent depression may need to be treated by a professional.

Acceptance: With time, acceptance of the situation as it is, as opposed to what you would like it to be, will begin to take hold. The "acceptance" stage is the best place to be when starting a job search, but you might not have the luxury of waiting until this point to begin your search.

No two people work through grief in the same way or at the same pace. As you cycle through the grief process and get deeper into the job search, expect to have good days and bad days. You may have moments of total panic interspersed with moments of quiet acceptance, feelings of helplessness and thoughts of “Is this ever going to end?,” followed by days when it looks like everything is going to fall right into place.

Unemployment is a bumpy, unpredictable emotional roller-coaster ride. And, while you can’t change the unpredictable nature of the ride, there are steps you can take to better manage your reaction to the peaks and valleys you’ll inevitably experience.
Ways to Manage Fear and Depression

Don’t compare yourself to others: The impact of job loss varies from person to person. It’s likely that a single 25 year-old who lives at home and is thinking about going back to graduate school will react to his/her job loss with a different intensity than a 40 year-old single mother who is laid off from the only job she has ever held. But, it’s also true that two people in similar situations may have two totally different reactions to their common loss. Each individual is unique and reacts with a wide range of emotions and behaviors; there is no one right way to handle this transition.

Become part of a support group: As wonderful as family and friends can be, many people find that joining a support group of peers is the most valuable support of all. Interacting with a group of people, who are in your situation and can fully understand what you’re going through, can be an invaluable aid in helping you maintain perspective and a sense of humor during your search.
Be honest about your emotions: Admitting your anger, fear, and frustrations to your support group is the first step toward managing your emotions instead of letting them control you.

Name and Claim the Enemy: Rather than walking around with a vague but continual sense of anxiety, try to figure out what specific things worry you most. By facing what you actually fear (i.e., financial instability, concerns that you’ll never find a comparable position) you can see how realistic your fears are and begin to work on a plan for addressing those issues.

Recognize that Luck Plays a Role in this Process: While it’s hard not to wonder why your friend landed a job quickly while you’re still looking, the answer is that every person’s search proceeds at a unique pace. Luck, timing, market opportunities and a hundred other factors conspire together in mysterious ways. Remember the saying,

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Avoid Negative People: A group of pessimistic nay-sayers will do nothing but reinforce your worst fears. Align yourself with friends and colleagues who think more of you than you think of yourself – their suggestions will inspire, empower, and encourage you to move on in the face of rejection. Sometimes though, even the best-intentioned people don’t know what to say and as a result usually end up saying the wrong thing. Try to remember their intentions are honorable, even if their actions are less than helpful.

Take Care of Yourself: Mom was right; it’s important to take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, exercise and eat well. Don’t allow yourself to mope around the house in pajamas all day – project an image that reinforces a positive outlook.

Focus on the Positive: While you can’t change events, you can change how you react to them. Instead of focusing on the negatives on your life, take note of the positive side of unemployment. Whether it’s the opportunity to spend more time with your children, having a chance to explore new career directions or simply being able to sleep past 6 a.m., there is undoubtedly something positive to recognize during this difficult transition.

Keep Busy: There is nothing more depressing than staring at an empty calendar. Schedule your job search activities (i.e., 10 a.m.– 11 a.m.: make cold calls, 2 p.m.-4 p.m.: work on revising resume, etc.) as you would normal business appointments. If you have blocks of unused time, look in the newspaper for listings of business related meetings, trade shows or seminars that you might be able to attend. Go to the library. Force yourself to get out of the house.
Volunteer: By helping others, you’ll help yourself feel more valued. Even if it’s only a few hours each month, the psychological boost of helping those less fortunate can be significant.

Seek professional help: If your sadness feels very profound and does not seem to improve, consider getting professional help. The cost of ignoring depression can be far greater than the cost of getting treatment. Consult your local mental health clinics, social services agencies or professional counselors for help for yourself and family members who are affected by your unemployment. Some assistance may be covered by your health insurance or, if you do not have insurance, counseling is often available on a "sliding scale" fee, based on income.