Layoff Survival Strategy: Remember Your Spouse is Hurting Too! - Nancy J. Collamer

Nancy Collamer M.S. is a career counselor and founder of Jobsandmoms.com, a website for professional-level women who are looking for flexible jobs, work-at-home opportunities and innovative work/life resources.
She is the Author of the book, "The Layoff Survival Guide."

Having the support of your spouse is one of the most important factors for success in your job search campaign. Yet, all too many unemployed workers, both men and women, proceed with an attitude of, “this is my problem, let me fix it” that ultimately undermines both their relationship and the outcome of their search.
Yes, this may have started out as “your problem” but if you think your spouse isn’t impacted by this turn of events, think again. Not only are your finances intertwined, but virtually every aspect of your next career move -- decisions about relocation, accepting a job that involves significant travel, or having to adjust your lifestyle to accommodate a lower income – all directly impact your spouse and your family.

And during the job search process, your spouse will also be dealing with his/her own hopes and fears about the future. Your wedding vows may not have included, “while employed or unemployed,” but they probably included, “for better or for worse” (or some version thereof). That commitment is worth remembering during this transition.

If you could get inside of your spouses head right now, these are some thoughts you might hear:

Talk to me…please!

If you want me to be supportive, let me know what’s going on. It’s not necessary (or advisable) to discuss every last phone conversation or memo, but do let me know about interviews, major stumbling blocks and job offers as they happen. Keep me posted on your schedule. I won’t disturb you if I know you’re on “work time” but I might ask you to help out around the home if I assume you’re just hanging out.

Don’t be surprised if I get angry with you for taking on a big household project, like painting the exterior of our home. On the other hand, I might also get annoyed if you have the audacity to suggest we hire somebody to paint the house, when you have the time to do so. The truth is sometimes I’m not sure where you should be spending your time and either way there are pitfalls. Let’s work together to discuss and define priorities and avoid getting into a tug of war over these misunderstandings.

Let me help

Allow me the satisfaction of feeling needed in this situation. If you’re not comfortable having me critique your resume, I understand. But, let me do something. I can search the classifieds and clip positions of interest. I can tap into my network and help find useful contacts for informational interviews. I can do some Internet research. Let me help you in ways that work for both of us. By the same token, don’t expect me to be your gopher, stuffing 500 envelopes on demand. If you really need help with mundane tasks, ask me and I’ll try to be of help if I can. But please understand that I also have priorities that need my attention. Respect my time and intelligence and I’ll be more than willing to meet you halfway.

Being supportive and offering constructive criticism is not mutually exclusive

I love you and know that your ego is a bit bruised right now, so I’ll try to be extra kind. However, please understand if I can’t always give you unconditional encouragement and praise. There may be times when I see you do or say something that needs correcting. Try to understand that I am only trying to be helpful. If I hurt your feelings, I’m sorry.

Don’t expect me to pick up your dirty socks!

Just because you’re out of work doesn’t grant you the right to take a vacation from your duties at home. On the contrary, now that you’re home, it’s only reasonable to expect you to pick up a bit more of the home - based chores. Old patterns of “who handles what” may need to be reapportioned, at least temporarily, to better address our current situation.

Remember I’m scared too.

I’ll try to be as supportive as possible, but sometimes my own fears are going to get in the way. Like you, I’m not quite sure what the future holds, and my worries may make me irritable or irrational. Bear with me and I’ll promise to do the same for you. Working together we will get through this.